Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
