I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
