there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
