this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
