Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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