So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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