My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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