I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Randomize
