11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
