The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
