If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.