In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
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even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
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Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.