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a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
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