Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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