Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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