I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My penis needs a shock collar
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
