Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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