ugly people sure do ruin things
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
