see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
