apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
