he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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