I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain