there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i need to put some appletini on your dick
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.