I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
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I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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