i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
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It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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