Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
