ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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