When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
