I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
foreskin is a definite game changer
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
