If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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