so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
