made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
