Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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