Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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