Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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