Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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