Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I need to calm my uterus...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
