My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
