Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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