Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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