Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
