I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
