Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
