why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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