I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
