Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
