tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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