Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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