you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
