He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
