i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
