I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
