The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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