the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
