Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
