I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
