he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
