I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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