I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize