So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
