you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
