you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
