I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
