Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
